Now, you may be wondering, “Oh, but what about a chainsaw or something? That’s just a lot of knives moving really fast!”. Well, dear reader, can a chainsaw move? Probably not (if it can, then you have so many other problems to solve.). Cats are furry little threats for a few reasons.
1: they can wiggle. A cat has an insane amount of mobility, so they could fly around you with their little daggers out, and nine times out of ten, you won’t be able to fight back, let alone get a hand on them at all.
“Yeah my little guys are too quick, I’d be cooked” sophomore Chace Pacheco said.
2: They’re all fluff. Any time you try to grab them, you’re pretty likely to instead grab a chunk of fur, and that fur is soft. That fur is going to slip out of your hands, and suddenly you have a far angrier furry fury hissing and scratching.
“I’d lure him with food then slime him out while he’s stuffing his face with food,” sophomore Grace Koepsel said.
3. They don’t need a reason for bloodlust. With a tablesaw or a bee, you at least need to start something. With your cat, they can just wake up one afternoon and decide, “Y’know, I think I want violence now” and bam, you have a target on your back just for existing.
4. Your cats probably have a litter box, so they have grubby little paws. Those paws and boxes have been shown (obviously) to be loaded with bacteria, so if you get hit even once, there’s a good chance you’re in for some nasty infections.
5. Cats are curious. This may seem cute or a little mischievous, but they could knock something heavy over and bam, you’re out. They could also knock over something like milk or juice, and then you have to clean a stinky and sticky puddle.
As such, your cat is a shrapnel bomb just waiting to explode, and when it does, you best pray you have thick clothes and allergy meds, because you’re in for one wild brawl.
